I walked up to the Red Lantern to find that most half-minds had already arrived. Not only were they early, they actually had the inconsiderate audacity to start imbibing without me! Almost immediately, I was informed me that this evening’s trail was going to be a live hare. Hmmm. A prime opportunity to catch and humiliate two of my fellow Hogtowners. Although this thought filled me with endless joy, I wasn’t entirely sure if I wanted to see Just Mary and Birdbrain naked. But beggars can’t be choosers…
I sat down on the patio and contemplated my surroundings.
The engineering profession obviously wasn’t paying off for Moonman. What with the new house and everything, his income just wasn’t meeting his expenses and he had evidently chosen to become a kleptomaniac to solve this dilemma. As the pack sat on the patio of the Red Lantern, Moonman attempted to make off with a bike he found leaning against the railing. Unfortunately the bike belonged to Just Laura (who happened to be sitting on the patio with us) and Moonman’s virgin cat-burglar attempt was foiled. The pack sincerely hoped that this failed attempt to enter the criminal underworld would not only teach Moonman a lesson in honesty, but would more importantly dissuade him from ever wearing a cat-suit to the hash again.
I noticed that Stupid Is As Stupid Does had also decided to grace us with his presence. Rose Eh! and I had had the great (mis?) fortune of meeting him for drinks on Saturday night and had already grown accustomed to this Atlanta hasher’s accent and affinity for wearing fake rotting teeth. (Deep down we all wish we lived in trailer parks – but few are brave enough to actually act on these urges.) Stupid apparently thought it was Halloween and had arrived dressed as a butt pirate. He happily mentioned that he was planning on coming back to Toronto for Hogtown H3’s 14th Anniversary Weekend, November 16 –18th (Yes, this is a shameless plug. Get your money to Dapper now.) Sorry Stupid, Halloween ain’t in November either.
Soon the hares set out to mark trail while the rest of us gave them a head (who said!) start and waited for the stragglers to arrive. Approximately 15 minutes later, the pack set off in hot pursuit of the hares. As expected, the trail led us through Mount Pleasant cemetery. At some point the pack caught sight of the hares – which apparently caused a great deal of anxiety for Birdbrian and made him forget where he was going. I can only assume our GM didn’t wish to be stripped of his clothes because he hadn’t done any laundry since InterAm and wasn’t wearing a matching bra and underwear set. (No worries, Birdbrian. Neither was I.) In their panicked state, the hares decided to piss off the pack by laying the BN mark approximately 5km away from the actual Beer Check.
At the BC we stood on the patio and did our best to disturb the regular patrons. Here I must single out New Shoez for his fine and frequent use of profanity to further our noble cause.
I journeyed back to the Red Lantern (the On In) with Bumbeads, Moonman, Licktrician and BirdBrian. As we approached a gas station the price of gas began to change right before our eyes. There’s inflation for you! We began taking bets on where it would stop. To our surprise, the numbers halted at 69.9. (I’m not making this up. Really.) Coincidence? Or a message from the gods?? We started discussing the true meaning of this number. Did it involve two women and one man? Or two men and one woman? And what was the significance of the period? As Moonman so accurately stated, "Either way, someone’s getting a rim job."
Back at the Red Lantern Birdbrian handed out down downs…
[Strangely, I am missing my notes for the first six down downs. I assume this has something to do with the amount of beer I drank that night. It’s either that, or one of you bastards stole them. For your benefit I have attempted to reconstruct the missing pieces from my less that vivid memory. Since the first half of you were just as drunk as I was and the second half have the IQ of a tree stump (don’t even get me started about the third half), I suppose you won’t be able to spot the difference anyway. If any of you dumbasses feel you or your actions have been misrepresented or unfairly excluded, please feel free to e-mail me so that I can ignore you some more.]
Reconstructed Down Downs:
Birdbrian and Just Mary – for being the hares
Stupid Is As Stupid Does – for being a visitor
Sweet Cheeks – for back-sliding
Licktrician – for back-sliding
Probably some other idiot(s) – for back-sliding
Down Downs that really did happen:
Cumcussion, New Shoez and Stupid Is As Stupid Does
– for FRBing
Rose Eh! – for constructively criticizing the GM
Just Mary – was named Spanks For The Mammaries
Easy Bush – for thinking that nipple rings belong on
a penis
Sweet Cheeks – because he thought the naming ceremony was
shitty and did it all over again
Birdbrian – for doing a dance at Mrs. R’s cottage
Just Laura – for being Mrs. R’s sister and for lounging
around in a window in her underwear
While I may have "misplaced" some of my down down notes, there are a few incident from the circle that clearly stand out in my mind:
-Stupid down on his knees, begging for a lay and getting no offers from the harriettes present. (The butt pirate look is OK. But next time get rid of the fake teeth. They scare the ladies.) Come back in November. Maybe we can get you laid then.
-The female civilian dressed in a leopard-print outfit who watched the proceedings. She looked ready to pounce on Stupid (meow!). Stupid looked ready to pull out the cattle-prod if she got anywhere near him (mooo!).
-Spanks For The Mammaries flashing me. (For future reference: There is really no need for this. I have a set of my own, however small, and can look at them whenever I choose. Next time, please show someone who is not so fortunate.)
On On
H2Ho