I sat in the parking lot with a number of other half-minds, drinking beer and waiting for the rest of the pack to assemble. As various idiot came driving in, I saw with some disgust that (as usual) this west end run had attracted a lot of the riff raff. First came a group of Oakville hashers: Oral Sox, Two Jugs, Black Widow, Hyena and Humidor. Some back-sliders who I had never even met before had also decided to grace us with their presence: Deep Throat, Shopping Tart and Side Of Bacon.
As the pack circled up, we couldn’t help but notice that Hippocratic Oaf’s dog, Luther, was limping. Kazoo took it upon himself to point this out to the hare and asked if Luther has sustained this injury while running the trail with Hippo (who had been out laying marks that very morning). Hippo, with a guilty smirk on his face, ignored the question and started chalk talk.
Most of the pack seem oblivious to this slight. I, however, was incensed by our hare’s behaviour! Animals are people too. And they deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and kindness. I pulled my palm pilot out of my backpack and entered the following note to myself:
Kazoo didn’t deserve this kind of treatment! I was going to make sure that Hippo paid for his neglect of this dumb beast.
Soon the pack set off. The trail took us through a number of fields and forested areas. We finally found the Beer Check on top of a ridge overlooking the picturesque hills of Burlington. I had just sat down and cracked open my beer, when I got a strange feeling that something was watching me. Not only was it watching me, but it wanted to drink my beer! As the uninvited wasp flew closer and closer to my beer can, I noticed that it wasn’t alone. There were now dozens of these yellow and black infestations swooping down from the neighbouring trees toward the unsuspecting pack!
A harsh realization hit me. Hippo wanted to do away with us. All of us. And he had picked the perfect murder weapon. Beer. The police would never suspect him. Someone would have to escape and notify the proper authorities of Hippo’s attempt on our lives!
Fortunately disaster was averted by my quick and clever thinking. I stood up and informed the pack that there wasn’t enough beer for everyone. As expected, this caused a general panic. Those with beers in their hands hurriedly drained the contents of their cans to prevent others from getting any. Those without beers went into hysterics. All agreed that we should quickly head back to Hippo’s house where more beer might be found and consumed.
As we ran away from the Wasp Check, I pulled out my palm pilot and made a second entry:
Back at the parking lot, I hopped into Trix and Kazoo’s car and we set off for the On In. What dangers would await us there?
As I entered Hippo’s home with the rest of the pack, our hare proudly pointed to one of the many paintings hanging on the walls of his house. This one, he foolishly claimed, was an original Group of Seven. The gullible pack stopped and gaped in awe. I, however, was skeptical. After all, Hippo had just attempted to bump us off and was probably more than willing to lie to once again gain our confidence.
As the pack backed away from the painting and headed towards the beer, I approached this supposed masterpiece for a closer inspection. As luck would have it, I’m an expert Canadian art appraiser (having spent an entire university semester studying the Art and Archaeology of Ancient Greece). Yes, this was definitely an authentic Group of Seven painting. And somewhat small in size. The kind of "small" that one could easily hide under one’s jacket while surreptitiously leaving a crowded art gallery. It was quite clear to me that I could now add art theft to the list of "Hippo transgressions" I was so diligently compiling. I made the following notation in my palm pilot:
I found the pack in the backyard, drinking beer and consuming BBQ’d treats. The talk soon turned to medical topics and Hippo informed the pack that Coumadin and Rat Poison contain the same medical properties (i.e. they both act as anticoagulants). Hmmm. Hippo was clever. But not clever enough! I easily saw through this ruse to poison the pack. Noticing the burgers tasted strange, I fed what was left of mine to the already injured Luther and made a wise decision to stop drinking the homemade beer Hippo had so kindly provided.
Unexpectedly, Kazoo interjected with his own medical conclusion. He proclaimed that "roughage" should be defined as "something your stomach can’t digest and that makes thing interesting the next morning." I cannot even begin to express how impressed and humbled I was by this brilliant analysis! I was shocked that the same academic body that had so casually handed a medical degree to Hippo had refused to grant the same honour to a genius mind like Kazoo. Something would have to be done to expose Hippo as the imposter he truly was! I quickly entered the following into my palm pilot:
Reviewing this sad state of affairs, I added:
Pleased with my conclusions, I reviewed the list once again:
It was going to be a busy week!
At some point, the following idiots received down downs:
Hippocratic Oaf – for being the hare
Rose Eh! – because she took Birdbrain for a ride
Black Widow – because he gave the beer he didn’t like
to his grandmother
Humidor, Hyena, Side Of Bacon and Shopping
Tart – for being back-sliders
Weak Link – for being a media whore and for gouging the public
Two Jugs, Side Of Bacon, Hippocratic
Oaf and Oral Sox – because it was their b-days
Shadow – for losing an anchor in Lake Ontario
Kazoo – for allowing Shadow to use his boat
Mrs. Robinson, Sex Toy, Rose Eh! and
H2Ho – for being diseased
H2Ho – for putting the sacred vessel on the ground
Just Jill and Just Kathryn – for being the beer check
and hamburger helpers
Just Kathryn – was named Hamburger Helper
Rose Eh! and Wet Pussy – for playing mean tricks
Dead End and Birdbrian – for having rotting teeth
Side Of Bacon and Wet Pussy – because Wet Pussy
was stealing juice from a pregnant woman
Sex Toy – for urinating twice before the trail
Two Jugs, Kazoo, Shopping Tart and Wet Pussy – for
pretending to be pregnant
Cumcussion – for getting rid of the bad vanilla milkshakes and because
two 19 year-olds tried to pick him up on trail
Deep Throat – for back-sliding
Shadow – for supreme short-cutting
Just Greg – for saying he’s date a man with a 50 foot
boat
Mrs. Hippo – for letting us trash her very nice house
On On
H2Ho