Saturday, December 8th, 2001
Start Location: Jeremiah Bullfrog, Queen West
Hares: Shadow and Vanishing Hare

Shadow, always the discriminating hasher, had chosen Jeremiah Bullfrog on Queen West as a meeting place for the pack. At about 3pm I walked up to the bar's entrance and turned the doorknob. Strangely, it was unlocked. And I couldn't help but notice that the (now familiar) Biohazard warning sign was no longer posted in the window. So I took a chance and walked right in.

This fine drinking and dining establishment was filled with patrons and had obviously recovered quite well from last summer's forced closure by the City of Toronto's Board of Health. One can only guess how the bar staff had managed to resolve their "mouse infestation" problem so quickly and effectively. Now if only we could convince them to start washing their hands…

As I strolled up to the bar, I was shocked to discover that one of our hares (the usually wise Shadow) was happily munching away on a plate full of french-fries sitting on the table in front of him. (Mmmmm... Mouse Infestations...) I inspected the plate closely. Fortunately I couldn't see any furry bits and nothing appeared to be moving or squeaking. Just to be sure, I picked up a fork and impaled one of the piles of greasy fries. Shadow yelled at me and cuffed me upside the head. However there was no noticeable reaction from the plate of greasy fries. This was certainly good news. We didn't want our hare to be infected with the plague before he had a chance to do chalk talk.

As the pack started to assemble I saw, with some disgust, that a number of OakvilleH3 half-minds had decided to join us for the day yet again. I sincerely hoped that the lack of identical houses and mini-vans on today's trail wouldn't induce any panic attacks among these suburbanites as there was no way in hell any of them were getting mouth-to-mouth from me.

Although I was extremely relieved to see that Beatle had finally decided to leave her video camera at home, I was a little unsettled by her appearance. After weeks of suffering through the Ryerson film project, I had grown accustomed to seeing this technological abomination perched on her shoulder, like a one-eyed second head (who sed?) - which is an unusual find on most harriettes. Black Widow was there as well and had brought his virgin friend Walker along with him. The pack was understandably shocked to learn that pajama pants are standard issue for anyone wearing a Texas Ranger uniform.

Soon, to the amazement of the pack, Dapper Sapper arrived. Rumor had it that Hogtown had actually made a whole $10 in profits off our 14th Anniversary Weekend. Most of the mismanagement naturally assumed that Dapper had long since absconded with this substantial sum of money, never to be seen north of the Equator again. Yet here he was, greedily walking around, demanding that everyone pay the usual $5 hash cash. He had obviously set his sights much higher - far above the 10$ bill he was rubbing all over his naked body in the privacy of his own home. We would have to keep a closer eye on him from now on.

Soon Shadow circled up the pack. Two crimes of passion were nearly committed before the run even began when Giggles and Rub-A-Dub refused to remove the musical Christmas headbands they had brought along with them. The pack's rabid screams soon brought these two half-minds to their senses and they wisely turned off the "Jingle Bells" before we broke their necks.

The trail took us through downtown Toronto and into City Hall's underground parking lot. Here the stupidity of the pack was once again confirmed when we somehow managed to run the entire length of the trail backwards. Fortunately some idiot finally noticed that all of the arrows were pointing in the opposite direction. Otherwise we might still be there.

Not to be outdone, Shadow set the second beer check at a bar that wasn't even open. And then topped that performance by saying, "That's funny! When I was here earlier today it was closed too." Thanks, Einstein. Don't know what we'd do without you.

Having been denied a second beer check, the pack headed back to the formerly mouse infested Jeremiah Bullfrog's for down downs. In the absence of someone smarter, Kazoo punished the following half-minds for various offences and infractions:

New Shoez - for not running
Moonman - for wearing a shirt that had the name "Irene" printed on the back
Shadow - for being the hare
Walker - for being a virgin and for wearing pajamas to the hash
Spanks for the Mammaries - for back-sliding
Sex Toy and Black Widow - because it was their b-day
Wet Pussy - for offering oral support to Dapper
New Shoez - because he sucks at picking songs
H2Ho - for yawning in the circle
Rose eh and Sex Toy - because they raced for charity
Spanks for the Mammaries and Moonman - for frolicking in the snow at City Hall

Having downed a few pints, the pack moved on to Vanishing Hare's apartment where we were treated to a buffet that popped a few buttons, split a couple of seams and brought about the birth of a few more fatboys. And Kazoo left a memorable first impression by repeatedly screaming Trivial Prick's name in an elevator full of civilians. But that's another story...

On On
H2Ho