The Pregnancy Hash
Saturday, December 22, 2001
Hares: DB and FLAB

The Hogtown H3 mismanagement was in a desperate and panicked state. With recruitment at an all time low, the GM realized that we would have to undertake a serious and immediate course of action to bring new blood into the kennel. Otherwise, like the dumb dodo, we faced complete and total extinction.

Birdbrian, our wise GM, sent out scouts to the far reaches of the city in an attempt to find hash virgins. These scouts searched bars, libraries, massage parlors, prisons and public school playgrounds - all with no success. Birdbrain even paid a personal visit to City Hall. But as hard as Birdbrian tried, Mel just refused to shake his hand. And the Hogtown T-shirt that Birdbrian brought as a token of his affection? Well, Mel just threw it in the trash.

It was these desperate times that brought about the birth of Project Conception. And what was the goal of Project Conception, you ask? Its objective was to create a breeding program within the Hogtown hash (and with the help of the Metro Toronto Zoo) that would hopefully produce the future of this kennel and prevent each one of us from ending up on the Endangered Species List.

Many many years ago, Shithead and Lizard had made the selfless decision to make their own contribution to the Hogtown Hash. And so their progeny, Taz, was born. Legend has it that when Taz was just a wee toddler, she held two-hour long circles in her sandbox and forced her playmates to do breast milk down-downs as punishment for chewing on her toys without asking or accidentally burping up all over a new outfit.

Yet Taz was only one horror and Hogtown would need many more to survive.

At the time our story takes place, the GM had already succeeded in convincing two of our less intelligent harriettes (FLAB and DB) to participate in this project. However the rest of the bimbos were not so easily fooled and feared the responsibilities that came with bearing so great a burden (not to mention that swelling thing your ankles supposedly do).

So the GM turned to FLAB and DB for assistance, and asked that they remind the rest of the Hogtown harriettes of their duty to their kennel. And so, The Pregnancy Hash came to be…

I, for one, was ecstatic that the trail was going to be set by a couple of pregnant women. After a few long nights of Christmas shopping, I certainly wasn't in the mood for a ballbuster. And I incorrectly surmised that a hash set by two harriettes with buns in their ovens would only be about one mile in length. After all, there's no way those two fatties were getting too far away from a bathroom, never mind a store that sells both ice-cream AND pickles.

I arrived at the start location to find Dead End sitting at the bar alone. I had been there all of five minutes (hiding from Dead End behind a coat rack) when an unfamiliar, yet hansom, figure sauntered through the door. He approached Dead End [mistake #1] and asked if she was with the Hogtown hash. Then introduced himself as Seoul Man, New Shoez's older brother [mistake #2]. It was clear to me that this visitor wasn't very bright (I.Q. must be hereditary after all), since he had foolishly walked straight into the jaws of a ferocious and starving cougar. In the blink of an eye, Dead End pounced, her tail twitching. Luckily Seoul Man had brought the perfect weapon with him - his wedding ring. But he was saved for only a moment. For he them made his third and most fatal mistake. He uttered the word "Dublin". By the time I had run out from behind the coat rack, it was too late. Dead End had started talking and nothing short of the second coming was going to make her shut up now.

I looked upon this sad scene and thought, "better him than me" and walked away. Just then another visitor, Bone Head, walked through the door. He claimed to be from one of those exciting prairie cities (like Winterpeg or Saskratchyourass) that I hear so much about yet lack the courage to visit. But you never know, he may just have been trying to impress me.

Soon the pack assembled and set out on trail.

There were more view checks on this run than hairs on Shampoo's head. And while every single VC has something to do with kids, the majority had something to do with shopping too. I suppose this was the hares' subtle way of telling us that they not only expected the hash to buy a Gap wardrobe for their kids, but to pay their university tuition and AA memberships as well.

The pack became extremely disoriented at a check set in a residential area. We looked repeately in every direction but only managed to find falses. Stumped, we stopped and waited for the expectant hares to arrive. FLAB and DB finally trotted up, and informed us that we had failed to check both sides of the street. While they had laid a false up one side of the street, the other side of the same street was true trail. It's amazing what hormones can do to your judgement! With irrational behaviour such as this this, it's a wonder they let pregnant women drive, never mind vote!

In the end, Project Conception was a resounding failure. The hares not only failed to convince the other harriettes that "pregnancy = fun", but managed to unintentionally persuade most of us that there's actually something positive to be said about celibacy.

Down downs were handed out to the following half-minds:

FLAB and DB - for being the hares
New Shoez and Dapper Sapper- for not running
Mrs. Robinson, Sex Toy, Easy Bush, Beatle and Moist Leatherette - for shopping on trail
Bone Head and Seoul Man - for visiting
Cumcussion and Shampoo - for FRBing
Beatle - because she doesn't get enough allowance to buy herself a beer
Dead End - for talking too much but not yelling "On On"
Beatle, Mrs. Robinson, Oral Sox and Shadow - for wearing bells on their toes
Seoul Man and New Shoez - for being idiot brothers
Shadow - for finding shiggy in the bar (pouring water on his own feet)
Moonman and FLAB - for stealing from their own hash

On On
H2Ho