Saturday, January 19, 2002
Hares: Moist Leatherette and Shampoo

I walked into the Artful Dodger and immediately noticed that there was something wrong. There, sitting beside Moist Leatherette, were four seemingly normal female virgins. And what was even more shocking to me was that they weren't here as part of a dare - they had all come of their own volition. It made me think back fondly to a time, just 18 short months ago, when I had been that naive and stupid.

I noticed Black Widow standing in one corner of the bar surrounded by most of the Hogtown harriers. And he appeared to be telling them something of great interest, since they were listening attentively and completely ignoring the attractive female virgins who were now sitting next to me. So I quietly snuck up to find out what gems of stupidity this Oakville intruder was imparting upon the rest of the weaker sex…

From what I could hear, Black Widow was giving a lecture on lying to harriettes so they'll sleep with you (what a novel concept!). He had just finished explaining the finer details of persuading females that you're a helicopter pilot and was now describing how to convincingly pose as a web page developer. However until Black Widow figures out how to impersonate a US Secret Service Agent, I'm not interested.

A few minutes later Dancing Queen walked it the front door. He completely ignored Black Widow and headed straight for the virgins. Perhaps Dancing Queen's South African accent was all he needed to entice the fairer sex? Or maybe he felt that honesty was a better approach than Black Widow's "I'm an asstronaut" routine? Either way, I was glad to see that at least one Hogtown male was conscious and wasn't going to let these virgins run away screaming without a fight.

I was suddenly distracted by a scream. Apparently Giggles and Rub-a-Dub had been having FAR too much fun before they left for the hash. So much fun, in fact, that Giggles had somehow forgotten to wear pants. Luckily Moonman had brought a back up pair and kindly lent them to Giggles. As she put on Moonman's pants, Giggles began to brag about having done something twice that morning. Fortunately I plugged my ears before I could ascertain exactly what she was talking about. But I'm pretty sure she meant her laundry.

Soon the pack circled up and set out on trail.

The marks took us through the University of Toronto campus and around China town. Shadow and I became momentarily excited when we found ourselves in the vicinity of Grossman's (one of the only watering holes in Hogtown where you can catch a venereal disease just by drinking out of a pint glass). But it was not to be. We finally found the Beer Check at the Ferret & Firkin/Sticky Wicket near Bloor.

Having consumed a glass of beer, I walked out of the Sticky Firkin and almost ran headlong into Weak Link. In an obvious attempt to impress the virgins, he appeared to be doing that thing that stupid people call "stretching". I mocked our motel manager and then began to commiserate with Shadow that we were still "subway distance" away from the On In.

Now there's nothing I enjoy more than a discussion about pregnancy (with the exception of a good kick in the teeth). And today I was treated to quite a number of these (conversations about pregnancy, that is). Back at the On In, I ended up sitting near Easy Bush and FLAB who proceeded to have a detailed conversation about the physical ups and downs of bearing children. They discussed bra size, breast size and what to do when your boobs start touching your belly.

However my favorite statement by far came from Moist Leatherette. She proudly announced that during her nine-month gestation period she continuously craved root beer and creamed corn (mixed together). Now if that isn't enough to make you lose your lunch, keep on reading… After hearing Moist's comment, the always inquisitive Moonman began to hypothesize about the probable state of her stool.

Luckily Easy Bush and FLAB noticed that I was having trouble breathing and changed the subject. These two harriettes now began discussing another favorite topic - candy. While Easy Bush munched on a bag of Smarties (evidently in the hope of raising her IQ), FLAB commented that her decision to leave the States had nothing to do with her marriage to Moonman or her desire to raise children. Apparently she made the decision to return to Canada because she discovered they don't sell Wunderbars in the U.S.

I had long suspected that FLAB and Moonman would soon be the proud parents of a little boy. My suspicions were confirmed when Moonman suddenly pressed his ear to FLAB's belly and gleefully listed his kid fart. Although FLAB claimed the baby was only burping, the proud look on Moonman's face convinced me otherwise.

The antics of Shadow and Dapper Sapper momentarily distracted me. Shadow had been acting as the stand-in Hash Cash in our treasurer's absence. Up to this point, I felt Shadow had done an admirable job. However as I sat there and watched, Shadow was pulling one crumpled cheque after another out of his backpack, each time uttering the word "Oops!" and giggling maniacally. Apparently these cheques had sitting at the bottom of his knapsack since Hogtown's Anniversary Weekend in NOVEMBER. It was only then that I started to truly appreciate Dapper's talent and skill as an accountant and realized that he's much more than just another pretty face.

Eventually Mrs. Robinson handed out down downs for the following infractions:

Shampoo and Moist Leatherette - for being the hares
Just Sarah, Just Sheila, Just Lindsay and Just Barb - for being visitors and virgins
Double Vision - for visiting us yet again and for losing the virgin he brought with him last time
Dapper Sapper and Dancing Queen - for back-sliding
Weak Link - for having a rest on a bench
Giggles and Rub-a-Dub - for making out on trail
Rub-a-Dub - for wearing a hat in the circle
FLAB - for trying to give birth on trail (cramps on trail)
Easy Bush - for stretching on trail and then lying about it

On On
H2Ho