Monday,
January 28, 2002
Hare:
H2Ho
Moonman was the first to arrive at the Ferret & Firkin. Unfortunately he spotted me right away and sat down at my table. While I tried to eat my soup, he began explaining his various moneymaking schemes to me - the most promising of which seemed to involve Moonman writing Harlequin romance novels that would include sex scenes in dentists' chairs.
As I watched various other morons walk in, I couldn't help but notice that both Rose Eh and Birdbrain were walking funny. The kind of "walking funny" people normally do when they've had a large foreign object shoved up their posterior orifice (not that I'd know from personal experience). I looked around, but the only foreign object I could see that appeared to fit the bill was Shampoo's enormous flashlight. I asked Shampoo why he had selected a flashlight with such a long and thick handle, rather than something light that would be easier to carry on trail. His explanation? "Some people buy SUVs. I bought this flashlight."
The pack soon circled up outside the Ferret & Firkin. During the circle, Giggles and Rub-A-Dub did their best to re-enact a Marilyn Monroe scene by standing over a windy subway grate with their kilts on. (Needless to say, these two were probably in many a half-mind's dreams that night.) And Shadow, not satisfied with just a mental image, was busy snapping photos with his disposable camera. The pack was then introduced to Snow Job (AthensH3) and we were finally on our way.
While on trail, my eardrums were nearly shattered by Wet Pussy's whining. (Has he been spending quality time with Rose Eh?). Apparently Mr. Marathon didn't like all the false trails he'd been forced to run. I had a quarter-of-a-mind to shut him up by giving him a good slap upside the head (who said?). However Wet Pussy was saved when his florescent running outfit temporarily blinded me and gave him a chance to escape before I could cuff him.
Since Shoeless Joe's was too far away, I was apparently supposed to set the Beer Check at the Red Devil. New Shoez knew this, but failed to tell me. So I picked the James Joyce instead (you can always count on a dumb bimbo to f*ck up the BC). New Shoez managed to run all the way to Bathurst before he realized his internal GBPS (Global Beer Positioning System) was wrong yet again.
Sadly, this was not a victimless crime. Poor Snow Job followed the apparently blind New Shoez all the way to the Red Devil and then to Sunnybrook Park. It was only here that New Shoez decided it was finally time to look for trail marks again (a conclusion of sheer brilliance). So after FRBing for most of the trail, New Shoez and Snow Job found themselves DFLing BEHIND the very pregnant walking harriettes, DB and FLAB.
This accident could have been entirely avoided. For the benefit of those who have not hashed with Hogtown before, this seems like an appropriate time to remind everyone about "The Rules".
THE RULES OF THE HOGTOWN HASH *
The first rule of the Hogtown Hash is there are no rules.
The second rule of the Hogtown Hash is never follow New Shoez. **
Those are the only rules of the Hogtown Hash.
* All newcumers are advised to memorize the Hogtown Hash Rules as you may be quizzed at any time. Failure to recite "The Rules" verbatim will result in an immediate de-pantsing. [If you don't know what a "de-pantsing" is, please ask Shadow for a free hands-on demonstration.]
** Any half-minds who choose to disregard The Second Rule do so at their own risk. The hare(s) will not be held responsible for your actions and will be under no obligation to find your lost and sorry ass.
However "The Rules" still leave one question unanswered. Which Hogtown half-mind
should one follow to avoid getting lost on trail? To find an answer, I approached
one of the more intelligent Hogtown males (he's so clever that he once outsmarted
a dead toad). This harrier provided me with five easy-to-follow steps that he
claims have never failed him:
Back at the Firkin, our GM (at least I think it was our GM since we've all long since forgotten what the hell he looks like) called up the following half-minds for down downs:
H2Ho - for being the hare
Snow Job - for visiting from Athens (permanently?) and looking like The
Fonz
New Shoez - for not following trail
Giggles and Rub-A-Dub - for wearing too much plaid and looking
like freaks
Just Lindsay - for being from Midland
Trix R4 Prix, Birdbrian, Bottom Scrawler, French Tickler and Iced
F*cket - for back-sliding
Sex Toy - for plugging up her holes
Double Vision - for visiting us again
Shadow - for driving to Pittsburgh
Mrs. Robinson - for losing her naked man
French Tickler - for dropping stuff on trail
H2Ho - so Shadow could sing "Dinah won't you blow me"
Moonman - for dancing like a fool
Birdbrian - for being distracted by the bright colours on the TV
Most of you probably aren't aware that Moonman and I were nearly killed on the drive home after the hash. Since FLAB wasn't drinking, we let her drive. And we should have known better (see Pregnancy Hash Trash - December 22, 2001).
Moonman and I were in the middle of an in-depth discussion about the lack of frontal nudity at hash away weekends. And FLAB had just turned onto Bloor St. West, when she suddenly screamed, "I NEED CHIPS!" She then gave the wheel a hard turn, mounted a curb and crashed the car through the front windows of the Dominion grocery store. Luckily no one was hurt and once FLAB inhaled four jumbo-sized bags of Sour Cream and Onion chips, we continued home with no further mishaps.
On On
H2Ho