Saturday, March 16, 2002
3pm – Moose Winooski's
Hare: Dead End

It has always amazed me that hashers are sometimes capable of rational and intelligent thought. Being a bunch of dumb-ass half-minds, everything we do should be wrong and stupid - yet this is not the case… If it was, we'd never find true trail, discover a beer check or get laid.

So I have spent the last year studying hashers in their natural habitat in an attempt to discover why we usually behave like institutionalized morons… and yet at other time are capable of thinking like Nobel Prize winning rocket scientists (especially when the decision involves a reward of sex or beer).

At first I studied hashers in isolation. I postulated that perhaps one (1) half-mind might have a better chance of making a smart decision alone, than in a group. However I was soon proven very wrong.

Case Studies
Dead End: Thinks the BC is always in Sunnybrook Park;
New Shoez: Thinks the BC is always at Shoeless Joe's;
Sex Toy: Allows the pack into her house and then actually expects someone to take the purple slippers home.

I then considered that perhaps the "environment" influences the individual stupidity of a hasher. My theory? Take a hasher out of the moronic surroundings and the idiot in them disappears. So I studied hashers outside of the H3 environment. Did they behave like clever human beings at work, during family dinners and in their social lives outside of the hash? No luck there either - stupidity was AGAIN present in spades.

Case Studies
Shadow: Drops anchors in Lake Ontario without tying them to the boat first;
Wet Pussy: Runs m*rathons;
Trix R4 Prix: Sometimes allows Kazoo outdoors without a leash.

Finally I decided that stupidity in the hash must be erectionally proportional to the number of individuals present - meaning that the level of intelligence increases when you have more half-minds making a decision at one time. Sadly this theory proved to be faulty as well. Time and time again, I witnessed large groups of half-minds making moronic decisions together.

Case Studies
Hogtown pack: Consistently allows the GM to use the phrase, "Am I buff?";
Hogtown pack: Repeatedly follows New Shoez on trail;
Hogtown pack: Continually drinks out of a bedpan whose origins are suspect.

For months I was stumped.

Then one day Dapper Sapper taught me how to count…

And do you know what I discovered? Stupidity acts like a double negative. If there are two of them, they cancel each other out. In other words, an even number of hashers will always make the right decision, while an odd number will always act like idiots and make the wrong decision.

I developed the following complex formulae to support my findings:

half-mind + half-mind = mind = right decision
half-mind + half-mind + half-mind = mind + half-mind = half-mind = wrong decision

…and named this The Double Moron Hypothesis.

There are a number of deviations that must be considered when applying The Double Moron Hypothesis:

1) Bimbos really only have a quarter-mind (at least the smart ones). So it typically takes four harriettes to make a right decision (sometimes more, if some of them are blondes). There are some exceptions to this rule (see #2 and #3 below).

2) Rose Eh and FLAB are always right and have been empowered make correct decisions on their own whenever the hell they please. If Rose Eh and FLAB disagree on a particular issue, the fact that Rose Eh is a bitch will override the fact that FLAB is always right.

3) Any harriette that is PMSing is always right and so is any bimbo who looks like she might sleep with a harrier or take her clothes off. All of these "States of Correctness" are temporary. As an example, if a bimbo actually sleeps with a harrier, she is immediately reduced to the lowest level of intelligence because she fell for his crap.

4) New Shoez will always make the wrong decision when on trail, no matter how many other half-minds are around to assist in the decision making process. The Double Moron Hypothesis does not apply.

5) Kazoo and Shadow are always wrong whenever they try make a decision together. Although their combined half-minds should add up to one full brain, for some strange reason this just never happens. The following formula applies to this special combination of idiocy:

Kazoo + Shadow = more stupidity than one universe can handle

In my future studies, I will examine the impact of hashers who have passed out. Should they be included in The Double Moron Hypothesis? If they have passed out in a room where a decision is being made, does their presence influence the accuracy of the decision?

As for today's trail…

My lengthily studies had led me to the conclusion that Dead End would lay a great trail. After all, Dead End is: (1) a teacher; and (2) Irish. According to the Double Moron Hypothesis, these two stupidities cancel each other out and make one smart person. Unfortunately I forgot to take into account that she's a hasher. So Dead End's trail sucked.

On On
H2Ho

p.s. Oh yeah. And down downs were handed out to the following freaks of nature:

Dead End - for being the hare
Just Lorna, Just Dominic and Just Clara - for being virgins
Dead End - for being Irish
Just Reg and Weak Link - for visiting
Just Gwen - for being Kazoo's mom
Just Terry - for not running
Dead End - for being such a great hare
Trivial Prick, Kazoo, Just Reg, Shadow, WeakLink - for DFLing
Rose Eh - for not providing adult supervision
Kazoo - because he brought adult supervision (his parents) to the hash
Spanks for the Mammaries - for bragging about past exploits
Just Lok and Mrs. Robinson - for urinating on trail
Ultimate Asshole, Just Maureen, Dapper Sapper KY Dick and Giggles - for backsliding
Mrs. Robinson - for wearing a tight garter
Ultimate Asshole - (bounce back) for making an accusation that had already been made
Rub-A-Dub and Giggles - for having sex on trail
H2Ho - for finding marks and not telling anyone
Rub-A-Dub - for falling off the bar stool