Saturday, March 30, 2002
Hare: BirdBrian
Meeting Place: Fox and Fiddle

I arrived at the Fox and Fiddle with plenty of time to spare and found the bar already packed with half-minds.

I was pleased to see that someone had brought three female new boots out for the trail. All of them were pretty darn ugly, but I wasn't going to let their hideous Quasimodo-like physical attributes stop me from being nice to them! I walked up to the really tall one first. Noticing her chest was nearly as flat as mine, I attempted to engage her in conversation:

H2Ho: "Hi there. I'm H2Ho. Are you wearing a Victoria Secret push-up gel bra too?"
Tall, Ugly, Flat-Chested Virgin: "F*ck Off!"

I was shocked by her rude reply! Yet her unusually deep voice and heavy Australian accent reminded me of someone I knew. Suddenly it dawned on me! This was no tall, ugly, flat-chested virgin - this was our very own RA, Shithead! He had spent so little time with the Hogtown hash these last few months (what with visiting Australia to see his upside-down friends and to watch toilets flush backwards) that I had forgotten what he looked like. I tried to apologize to Shithead for my horrific mistake, but he was already busy dancing around in circles and casting some sort of hex on me. Feeling my boobs shrinking even further, I quickly realized I would have to find a virgin sacrifice to appease his shaman furor.

So I walked up to the other two female new boots - hoping that one of them would prove not only to be a hashing virgin, but physically chaste as well. I immediately noticed that neither of them looked very clever. This was going to be easier than I thought.

H2Ho: "Hi there. I'm H2Ho. Do you believe in staying a virgin until you're married?"
Stupid Virgin #1: "Hehe. You said 'virgin'. Hehehehe. Virgins are cool."
Stupid Virgin #2: "Hehehe. A virgin once looked at me."
Stupid Virgin #1: "You dumbass! She wasn't looking at you. She was looking at me! That virgin chick was hot! Hehehe. I just said 'virgin'."
Stupid Virgin #2: "Hey buttmunch, did you just cut the cheese?"

I had made a mistake yet again. These were no new boots - they weren't even ugly bimbos. They were actually our very own Greenskeeper and Menage a Duh. All of a sudden I felt dizzy and realized the precariousness of my situation. Just standing near these two backsliding idiots was killing off 10 of my brain-cells per second. By now their conversation had turned to the subject of hot-boxing SUVs by leaving all the windows closed and then passing gas repeatedly. I had once unwittingly experienced this flatulence high first-hand and started feeling nauseous just thinking about it.

I began formulating an escape plan.

Suddenly I saw a familiar face on the other side of the room and headed in that direction. As I suspected, it was Bad Semen who was visiting Rose Eh from ReadingH3. When I got closer, I noticed that Bad Semen had forgotten to wear pants. Or was he just wearing really short shots? I approached him and started a discussion about his bold nakedness:

H2Ho: "Hey, Bad. Did you know you're not wearing pants?
Bad Semen: "I've been hashing for 15 years and I've never once worn pants. I've hashed in snow, I've hashed in rain and I've hashed in mud - but I have NEVER hashed in pants."
H2Ho: "Don't people stare at you?"
Bad Semen: "Yes. But I have really nice legs so it doesn't matter."
H2Ho: "Is it dangerous to hash without pants?"
Bad Semen: "Sometimes - but I've learned what to watch out for the hard way. As an example, I only bend over to tie my shoes when I have my back to a wall. Trees don't work as well as walls. People can hide behind trees."

Feeling a little over informed, I walked over to the bar and bought myself a beer. BirdBrian and Skewbic Hare were standing close to the bar, having what appeared to be a heated discussion. I decided to listen in to discover what important Matters of State these two influential GMs were discussing. As I approached I noticed that our GM seemed very relaxed and was contently rubbing his belly. However Skewbic, OakvilleH3's GM, looked quite irate:

Skewbic Hare (speaking to Birdbrian and not realizing the colossal stupidity of his question): "So which one of you Hogtown sadists stole the OakvilleH3 vessel from me and hid it in my own house?"
Birdbrian (speaking to Skewbic): "Am I buff?"
Skewbic Hare (still speaking to Birdbrian): "Someone must have let you into my home. Was it that slut, Two Jugs?"
Birdbrian (talking to himself and flexing): "I'm so buff!"
Skewbic Hare (now yelling at Birdbrian): "I just urinated in the Hogtown vessel and now I've decided to move to the Moon to get away from all of you thieving b*stards! No, wait! The Moon's not far enough! I'm going to move to a place where you'll never want to visit me! I'm going to go live in Edmonton!!!"

Having overheard this conversation I began to worry about the leadership of the Hogtown hash. Did I really want to be ruled by a GM who was so obsessed with his body image that he couldn't prevent our sacred vessel from being violated by a dirty Oakville hasher? I decided that I'd better start planning a political coup. Who could I recruit for this noble cause? Who would be stupid enough to listen to me?

As I stood there and tried to remember how to think, Easy Bush walked by with a kid in tow:

H2Ho: "Hi, Easy Bush. I see you brought your daughter to the run today."
Easy Bush: "Yeah. But I can't remember where I put the other one. If you find a little kid under a table somewhere, can you let me know? It looks just like this one, only smaller"
H2Ho: "Are you sure you didn't leave him at home?"
Easy Bush (smacking herself in the forehead): "Now I remember! I left him in the mini-van."
H2Ho: "You left a two-year-old in a mini-van alone?"
Easy Bush (to me): "Yeah, he'll be fine. I think I left the car keys so if he gets bored he can turn on the radio." (to herself) "Sh*t! Now where the hell did I park the mini-van?"

I suddenly remember how to think and realized that I was still holding an unfinished beer in my hand. Understandably I lost all interest in planning my coup d'etat and decided to focus my efforts on finishing the beer.

At some point we eventually ran trail. There was lots of mud, chocolate Easter eggs and an old fire extinguisher. Back at the Fox and Fiddle, down downs were passed out to the following morons:

Birdbrain - for being the hare and because he thinks he's buff
Just Jody - for being a new boot
Hippocratic Oaf - for not running trail and pretending to limp
Mucky Dip, Menage a Duh and Greenskeeper - for backsliding
Bad Semen - for visiting
Rose Eh - for finally having a house warming
Mrs. Robinson - for FRBing
Moist Leatherette - for stealing during the circle
Skewbic Hare - for accusing Hogtown of stealing the Oakville vessel (when he really just misplaced it in his own house)
Bad Semen - for giving Hogtown women vibrators
Just Lok - for not warning his virgin about the dangers of wearing new shoes

At this point in the circle, I was called up for a down down for no f*cking good reason. No sooner had I put my notepad down, then Menage a Duh offered to take notes for me while I drank. Here is his contribution to today's hash trash (really):

"H2Ho strolled sensuously to the table. Her luscious hips swaying invitingly."

As soon as we read this passage, Greenskeeper and I became quite concerned. Duh had clearly consumed far too many beers and was beginning to hallucinate. We made him drink a few glasses of water and found a nice dark corner where he could lie down. Then down downs continued…

Dead End and Hippocratic Oaf - for mourning the Queen Mother
Moist Leatherette and Shampoo - for showing up to Rose Eh's party a week early
Cums On Demand and Spanks for the Mammaries - for some reason that I didn't bother to write down

Shithead presented his nominations for Prick of the Week:

Birdbrian - for filling us up with sugar, having the BC in the middle of nowhere and leaving the bedpan unattended
Just Jody - for asking, "what's that for?" when she saw a fire extinguisher on trail
Rose Eh - for laughing at the RA
Oral Sox - for committing the sin of pouring beer on the floor

Shithead determined that Birdbrain was exempt because he's the GM and awarded Oral Sox the title of Tit of the Week.

On On
H2Ho