Saturday, April 13, 2002
Hare: Rose Eh
Meeting Place: G. Ross Lord Park

As I sat at home in front of my computer and checked the hash start information one last time, I noticed my e-mail flag was waving. In my in-box I found a message from Sir LicksALot of the Eerie Hash House Harriers, explaining that a couple of Eerie half-minds were planning on driving up to Toronto to hash with us that day. Apparently the relatively straightforward start information had confused Sir Licks and he wanted someone to call him with more accurate directions.

I checked my watch... It was already 3pm and the run was starting at 5pm. My heart pounding and feeling the panic rising inside, I picked up the phone and dialed. Would they get my phone call in time???

Unfortunately the boarder guard who took my call informed me that two men matching the descriptions of Sir LicksALot and Tender Vittles had already crossed into Canada approximately half-an-hour earlier. I was too late! The boarder guard explained that they had thoroughly searched these two intruders and had even introduced their body cavities to a latex glove - but had found nothing suspicious.

I felt a little better after I hung up the phone. The boarder guards had obviously performed a meticulous search and would have likely confiscated any watery American beer they found in the trunk of the car.

Having logged off my computer, I set out for the hash.

The pack gathered in a parking lot of G Ross Lord Park, located near the Jane and Finch corridor - an area of Toronto known not only for it's rows of old high-rise apartments, but also for the availability of drugs that you can't buy from a pharmacist. I had never visited this park, and was curious to discover out what kind of shiggy we would find. Would the pack be forced to circumnavigate used syringes? What about yellow police tape? Fortunately mud and the usual pack stupidity proved to be the only obstacles.

Birdbrian circled up the hounds and called Rose Eh into the middle to do chalk talk. Rose Eh started by questioning the pack's intelligence. The weather was so rainy and cold that she figured no one in their right mind would show up to run trail. Rose Eh then casually mentioned that she had only brought fourteen beers for the BC. It was going to be a race to the finish!

As we ran trail, I noticed that Trix R4 Prix was really underachieving. She was check hanging, walking instead of running and taking every short cut possible. I ran up and inquired what was the matter. It turns out that Trix had donated her brain to science that very morning (or maybe it was a pint of blood, but I wasn't really paying attention) and her doctors had warned her not to overexert herself. Little did she realize that her selfish actions would have dire consequences for the Hogtown pack…

I soon found that Kazoo was taking full advantage of his wife's inactive and lobotomized state by roaming around unsupervised. At one point the trail took us across a particularly treacherous and mud-encrusted log. Kazoo was in front of me and once he reached the opposite site, he extended his hand on the pretence of helping me off the log. I was extremely impressed by this uncharacteristically gentlemanly gesture. However as I reached for his hand he suddenly pulled it away, giggling maniacally. Fortunately I managed to recover my balance without falling off the log and cracking my skull open. I immediately began yelling at Kazoo. But his last surviving brain-cell (yes, the ones that's on the endangered species list) had already been distracted by some bright colours father down the path and he ran off to cause havoc elsewhere.

As I negotiated another difficult section of the trail, I suddenly got the feeling that someone was watching me. I quickly turned around and found something resembling the Creature from the Back Lagoon rolling around in the mud at my feet. Without warning, the thing reached out, grabbed by arm and groaned. Sensing that I might be in some danger, I broke a small twig off a nearby tree and poked the beast in the eye. It immediately screamed and let go of my arm. Then in spoke. What was even more surprising, was that it spoke in a voice that sounded an awful lot like Moist Leatherette. It said, "What the hell is your problem, H2Ho? Are you going to help me get up off the ground, or what?" With that, the Not-So-Moist-As-Muddy Leatherette stood up and glared at me. It was only then that I realized that she must have fallen victim to the same deep mud that had sucked off one of my shoes a few checks earlier.

The pack found the BC in the parking lot where we had started. We stood around and drank for several moments before the hare re-appeared having completed her duties as the sweeper. Or so we thought…

As soon as Shampoo saw Rose Eh, her asked, "Where's my wife?" Sadly it seemed Moist Leatherette had been lost somewhere out on trail (perhaps devoured by the shoe-sucking mud). Rose Eh looked at Shampoo and casually explained that at the last check, she had yelled out, "Is anyone else back there?" Hearing no reply, she assumed all was well.

Rose Eh and Shampoo soon set out in search of Moist Leatherette, while the rest of us stood around and socialized. Dancing Queen stood alone with a spaced out look on his face. This backsliding bastard had probably used up all of his brain power on trail trying to remember what all of the different hash marks meant and was obviously in no mood to chat.

Sex Toy and Mrs. Robinson were talking around gardens, planting flowers and how much they hate Sex Toy's evil garbage-dumping, driveway-hogging, raspberry-stealing neighbours. These two harriettes had clearly been watching far too much Martha Stewart TV as were passionately describing to each other what they were going to plant in their respective flowerbeds. Mrs. R. commented, "I love pansies!" Suddenly Dancing Queen snapped out of his trance and, with a big grin on his face, joined the conversation. "I love panties too!" he said to Sex Toy and Mrs. Robinson.

Soon it was time to move on to the On In…

At Smiling Jack's most of the pack was quite fascinated by the multicoloured crayons on the table and spent the next hour colouring on the paper tablecloths (and generally staying out of trouble). However the engineers in the pack were not so easily amused and decided to harass our waitress instead.

A couple of months earlier, Cums On Demand had scared a waitress at Betty's. Today it was Moonman's turn. As soon as our waitress walked up to take our orders, Moonman told her that she should get some tattoos because then people (read: males) would tip her more. Our wench explained that she did in fact have several tattoos, but if Moonman wanted to see them he'd have to let her grab his ass first. Unfazed, Moonman ordered "faginas" for dinner. The shocked waitress patiently explained that while "fajitas" were certainly on the menu, "faginas" could be more easily obtained on the next street corner.

The bar had several large barrels of peanuts sitting around our tables. Being the cheap bastards we are, most half-minds began feasting. I felt particularly sorry for Rub-A-Dub who had obviously experienced a deprived childhood. He kept flinging peanuts at me, pointing and smiling. Clearly my gray sweatshirt had confused him and he thought he was feeding a baby elephant. I made a mental note to take Rub-A-Dub on a field trip to the zoo some day to expand his incredibly limited horizons.

Down downs were handed out to the following:

Rose Eh - for being the hare
Tender Vittles and Sir LicksALot - for visiting and because we were their third choice
Flower Boy, Dancing Queen, Bum Steer and Just Raoul - for backsliding
Kazoo - for being hung over
Sex Toy - for getting wet and making the fish smell
Giggles and Rub-A-Dub - for having a new house that we haven't trashed yet
Moonman - for trying to order "faginas"
Moonman - hat in the circle
Trix R4 Prix - for leaving her shirt beside Giggles' bed
H2Ho - for inaccuracies in the trash

Prick of the Week

Our esteemed RA Shithead announced the following candidates for Prick of the Week:

Kazoo - for having a big booger hanging from his nose
Moonman - for ordering "faginas" instead of "fajitas"

Moonman was officially named The Prick of the Week.

On On
H2Ho