Monday, April 22, 2002
Hares: Spanks for the Mammaries and Trivial Prick
Meeting Place: Bistro 422

When I first started hashing, I (like most of the Hogtown pack) believed that the expression on Shithead's face was there as a direct result of his being in a constant state of constipation. However one day I discovered that Hogtown's Religious Advisor looks funny not because he's all stopped up, but because he spends most of him time thinking. What's more - I found out that he spends most of his time thinking because he's a Hash Jedi Master.

I discovered this quite by accident one day when I surprised Shithead in the back room of an On In where he was playing with his light saber (at least he told me it was his light saber). Anyway, I begged Shithead to take me on as a student of the Hash Jedi arts and he agreed.

Obi Wan Shithead put me through rigorous Hash Jedi training. One of his favorite exercises involved blindfolding me and then ordering me to find the Beer Check. Sometime I felt he just wanted to watch me run into trees to get a good laugh. But other times I thought I could truly sense the BC without the aid of sight (it helped if Rose Eh was whining particularly loudly or if Dead End was babbling incessantly). Another Hash Jedi training exercise taught me how to fall down without spilling my beer. This was by far my favorite since it involved getting loaded first. Neither Shithead nor I could ever remember how well I'd done the next day. Which meant, of course, that we had to do it over and over and over again. Shithead was the perfect teacher and would often shout out words of encouragement to me, such as, "Let The Force guide you." and, "Use The Force, H2Ho."

About six months after my Jedi training first began, I finally realized that Shithead wasn't saying "The Force". He was actually saying "The Fart". As in "I feel a great disturbance in The Fart." Or "May The Fart be with you." I'm not sure why it took me so long to figure this out. Maybe it was my inability to accepts my predetermined destiny as the saviour of the universe or perhaps it was Shithead's unintelligible Aussie accent - whatever the reason, I was shocked to learn that flatulence was the true source of a Hash Jedi's power.

At first I felt quite lonely. Why did I have to share the burden of this terrible power alone? Then one day, Shithead leaned over during a circled and whispered the following words into my ear: "There is another." I was overjoyed to discover this and spent the next week trying to guess who my fellow Hash Jedi Knight-in-training might be. At the next Hogtown run the mystery was solved when Shithead pointed to Shadow and said, "The Fart is strong in this one."

But I digress…

I walked along College Street towards the start location. Since I was early, I decided to drop into one of the computer stores along the way to buy some power converters.

I arrived at Bistro 422 and found the two hares (Spanks for the Mammaries and Trivial Prick) sitting at a table with long time backslider, Catatonic. This was the perfect opportunity to test out the new Jedi mind-trick that Obi Wan Shithead had taught me last week. The goal of this mind-trick was to make the hares tell you everything about the trail before it even starts. So I stared at these two half-minds and, in a deep voice, asked the following, "So is the trail long?" No sooner had I uttered these words then Spanks for the Mammaries blurted out that they had laid trail directly up to Casa Loma and back. Trivial Prick added that the BC was at Einstein's. My training had obviously worked! I often practiced on squirrels and chipmunks at the park, but this was the first time I had attempted to use my powers on hashers. Shithead was going to be so proud!

Eventually everyone arrived, the pack circled up and we were on our way…

As soon as I reached the first check I headed north and found marks. Thanks to the information I had extracted using the Hash Jedi mind-trick, I was able to correctly guess true trail for the next few checks as well and soon found myself running alone - far ahead of the rest of the pack.

A few blocks north of Bloor I came across a check near a small park. The Fart had clearly abandoned me since I ran two falses before I finally found true trail again. Suddenly I sensed a familiar presence and turned around to find my fellow Hash Jedi Knight, Shadow, running behind me. He must have used the same Jedi trick to manipulate the weak minds of the hares to find out where true trail went.

Sometime later, Shadow and I finally reached Casa Loma where we found a check at the base of the stairs. We decided to head up. The trail led us all the way to the top where we discovered an "F". Shadow turned to me and said, "These are not the marks we are looking for." With that, we both turned and ran back down stairs we had just climbed.

By the time we reached the bottom of the Casa Loma stairs Birdbrain, New Shoez and Catatonic had caught up to us (much to our dismay). For some reason, New Shoez decided the trail must go due north and headed in that direction. That was the last we would see of him and his digital camera for some time. The rest of us turned south.

When Shadow and I were just north of Dupont, we saw Birdbrain had already crossed the street with Catatonic. They were now talking with a strange man carrying a backpack. What was going on? Where they purchasing crack? Or just buying some black-market favorite furry barnyard animal porn tapes? [Scribe's Note: Is my hotmail account the only one that's being bombarded by this porn SPAM?]

As we got closer, we realized that Catatonic and Birdbrain were actually conversing with a visiting hasher. Apparently Step Toe (ScarboroughH3, UK) had become disoriented at the start and had run the trail backwards. At first we assume he was suffering from mad cow disease, but then Step Toe mentioned that he had just come from Erie, PA where he had hashed with EerieH3. The cause of his confusion then became abundantly apparent to us, as it's common knowledge that a trip to Erie will suppress your IQ for weeks.

We eventually arrived back at the On In and started ordering drinks from the bartender. Suddenly I felt an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. There was something very familiar about this bartender - something that reminded me of Austin and InterAmericasHash 2001. Then it hit me. He was ass-drunk! I thought back to Austin and the valuable lesson I had learned there: If you want to get kicked out of a drinking establishment at gunpoint, just do a butt-chug on the bar. The evening had been pretty uneventful so far, so I walked around and asked for volunteers - but sadly there were no takers.

Down downs were passed out to the following missing links:

Spanks for the Mammaries and Trivial Prick - for being the hares
Step Toe - for visiting
Shampoo and Rub-A-Dub - because it was their birthdays
Catatonic - for backsliding
New Shoez - for DFLing
H2Ho and Catatonic - for FRBing
Spanks and Tivial - for laying BNs five miles from the BC
Step Toe - for running trail backwards
Giggles - for fouling a Tim Hortons
Cums On Demand - for being an ass

This being a Monday, most half-minds downed a few pints, ate a quick dinner and got ready to leave. After draining her glass, Giggles walked up to the tottering bartender and handed him a twenty to pay for the beer and dinner. He stared at the bill for a few seconds and then asked, "What's that for?"

I like this place. We should come here more often.

On On
H2Ho