Green P

May 31, 2008

Ah crap. The morning after the AGM and I’m back at my Smith Corona. I swore I’d never write another trash. Unfortunately I couldn’t find an aspiring Leacock (read: sucker) to replace me.  The good news is we got rid of the hapless Humpday as hash throat. The bad news is he is now the GM. Drink is a terrible thing.

I arrived with Back Door Buzz at the Green P at precisely 3:00 and spent 20 minutes courting pigeons while waiting for the rest of the half minds to appear.  Eventually a minor mob assembled and after instructions from Wet ‘n Dirty, hare and outgoing GM, we loped off in the direction of downtown Scarborough. After a lap around the Town Centre the trail headed north across the 401 into cul de sac hell. Several clever checks, and a sprint along a ribbon of nature and we arrived at the same mud pit where it all began sooo many moons ago. Ever the gentleman, Black Widow gallantly assisted our precious GM along the last dark, sloppy, stinky 100 metres.

After devouring a gross of jello shooters (the red ones were the strongest) the pack moved to nearby Chez Wet ‘n Dirty to drink their weight in beer and Rockstar slushies.
For Wet ‘n Dirty’s last circle she handed out the usual down downs along with one to Sex Toy for being tardy. Apparently she was getting a new pussy.  I’ve heard that her old pussy had gotten quite large. Not to be outdone Rose Eh got a down down for showing off her pretty little pussy.

With circle over, Wet ‘n Dirty announced the new executive. It’s pretty much the same as the old executive with the wonderful additions of Casket Case as the webwanker and hash flash, Moist Leatherette as choirmistress, and Rose Eh as haberdasher.

In her last duty as GM, Wet ‘n Dirty passed the golden sneakers onto new GM Humpday. He graciously accepted the appointment and thanked her for her 10 months and 2 days (editor’s note... it seemed longer) of hard work. He also noted that Wet ‘n Dirty was the second best Hogtown GM ever.

You know the old saying “power corrupts and absolute power is a bitch”? Well, shortly after taking the reins Humpday started issuing edicts, declarations and proclamations. First thing was to appoint Rose Eh as Religious Advisor and Back Door Buzz as his Hand Maiden. Apparently the Hand Maiden’s only functions are to pull the GM’s finger and to stomp on caterpillars.

Next he relieved Casket Case of the hash flash position. Something about cutting costs. He also declared that during his reign the pan will be reserved for the prick or tit of the week and that henceforth harriettes will be required to wear grey pants. (ummm... I just made up that last one). He also threatened to appoint someone to be in charge of recruiting new members (insert joke here) and had the audacity to change the traditional hash blessing. May God have mercy on our souls.

With business out of the way the herd swarmed the buffet table. Those who still had room then gorged on a delicious cake lovingly prepared by Chase Bakeries Inc. ... official bakery of the Hogtown Hash since 2007. One thing about getting an early start is that by 8:00 Wet ‘n Dirty’s condo looked like a Fellini wrap party. Humpday and Wet Pussy were making out in the corner, Shampoo was attempting auto fellatio, FLAB was deep throating something chocolate, and the rest of the boyz were lined up for a good ol’ whippin’ from the biker momma.

Shampoo’s unlucky number is 13. Zing!