EERIE H3'S FLIGHT 300

Here’s fine-print from the back of my Flight 300 ticket that I didn’t bother to read until I got home on Sunday.

On On

H2Ho

HogtownH3

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FLIGHT 300 TERMS OF SERVICE

Welcome to Flight 300! The Eerie Hash House Harriers are pleased to provide this Flight to you, subject to the following Terms of Service, which may be changed at any time without notice to you and without consulting anyone intelligent. You expressly understand and agree that this Service will include copious amounts of alcohol that may result in you making a complete ass of yourself.

The Eerie Hash House Harriers and their affiliates [The Pittsburgh Hash House Harriers and The Cleveland Hash House Harriers] assume no responsibility for any direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, mental, oral, anal, and/or genital damages incurred on this trip. These damages may include, but will not be limited to, alcohol induced blackouts, insertion of foreign object(s) into body cavities, butt-cheek hickeys, and inhaled flatulence. The Eerie Hash House Harriers and their affiliates cannot be held liable for the loss or destruction of any of the following personal items: your memory, self-respect, born-again virginity, personalized hash mug, inflatable girlfriend and/or last remaining brain cell.

DESCRIPTION OF SERVICES

The Eerie Hash House Harriers, in cooperation with Flight 300 staff, will provide passengers with:

free and unlimited access to Rusty Prick’s “chick food”. INCLUDES chips, homemade cookies, licorice and other edibles. Rusty Prick has asked Flight 300 staff to inform any passengers with peanut allergies that some “chick food” items may contain date-rape drugs. PLEASE NOTE that any foodstuffs that do not meet minimum Board of Health standards may be thrown at fellow passengers. If passengers are not satisfied with the available “chick food” options, Scab Ass Rising [Flight 300’s Employee of the Month] asks you to keep in mind that “swallowing is the McDonald’s of hashing”;

a safe and worry-free Flight. If, for any reason, the Flight finds itself in distress, Eerie hashers will initiate emergency procedures. An EMERGENCY SITUATION can be defined as ANY or ALL of the following

drunk pilot cannot find the Cleveland airstrip

Flight has run out of beer

Anal Blaster’s asshole has been voted off the island

Buckafuffalo has to be thrown off because he’s slowing down the bus

Dingweeds has just started telling another story
In the event of an EMERGENCY SITUATION, Dick Traci will repeatedly call himself on his own cell phone to request emergency assistance.Passengers should NOT BECOME ALARMED if Dick only hears a busy signal – this is normal. Should it become necessary to abandon the bus, Big Stonz will smash the windows by bouncing a keg off his seat cushion;

permission to assault and/or harass half-minds without hash names. ALL UNNAMED HALF-MINDS are requested to either (i) wear breathe-right strips OR (ii) be “very very nice” to make it easier for other passengers to identify and target them. Passengers are permitted to assign clever names such as Eating Alice, Greg Smoothanus and The Third Gay Swimmer ONLY AFTER consuming enough beer to give themselves alcohol poisoning. [Studies have shown that hashers make the best decisions when they can no longer remember their own names and/or have passed out.] The Eerie Hash House Harriers recognize that Flights can be an intimidating experience for new-cummers. If Flight 300 staff suspect that any of the unnamed half-minds “swim for the other team”, they will be seated next to Moon to make them feel more at home.

YOUR OBLIGATIONS AS A FLIGHT 300 PASSENGER

In consideration of your use of the Flight 300 Service, you agree to:

board the bus no later than 8:30 in the friggin’ morning, UNLESS you are Greenskeeper OR Menage-a-Duh, AND are the guardians of the sacred Bloody Caesar mix, IN WHICH CASE the bus will wait as long as it damn well takes for you to haul your hung-over asses out of bed;

help the bus stay on schedule once in transit. Passengers are reminded that take-off may be DELAYED if Flight 300 staff discover that any half-minds are missing. FOR THIS REASON, whenever the really hot Head Stewardess [Dick Traci] takes attendance, all passengers are OBLIGATED to shout “Here!” regardless of whether or not their name has just been called. [Passengers are also requested to use a high-pitched tone to disguise their voice.] The extremely hot, but not so bright, Head Stewardess will assume that:

all passenger are present and have not been lost on trail

no inflatable sheep have accidentally drowned

no inflatable chicks have gone skinny dipping

Dudley J Noswell is on the bus and not out looking for his missing blow-up friends

be considerate of those around you. Consequently, passengers are OBLIGATED to drop-ass as often as humanly possible, ESPECIALLY if BallWrinkle is in the general area and is attempting to sell his “three-day-old-unwashed-pussy” air fresheners;

help create a cheerful atmosphere by participating in any sing-alongs organized by Flight 300 staff. As such, all passengers are OBLIGATED to:

help (S)whoosh sing “The Second Gay Swimmer Song” in preparation for her Karaoke striptease

join Menage-a-Duh in a chorus of “Who Ate My Dog Out”;

PASSENGER CODE OF CONDUCT

As a passenger on Flight 300, you agree NOT to:

bring any (i) weapons, (ii) implements of torture AND/OR (iii) tools of mass destruction onboard, as this may inconvenience and/or annoy your fellow passengers. The following items [that fall into one or more of the categories listed in the previous sentence] are EXCLUDED from this ban and may be brought onboard as part of your carry-on baggage:

body odour

farts

your personality

the dynamite sticks strapped to Bitchy Cuntingham’s shoes;

borrow the personal belonging of other passengers without their express permission. SPECIFICALLY, passengers are prohibited from putting on underclothing that does not belong to them. Passengers who “need help” and believe they CANNOT stop themselves from wearing other people’s panties should make themselves known to Flight 300 staff prior to departure. These passengers WILL BE PERMITTED to wear whatever the hell they want AS LONG AS they allow other passengers to write comments such as “This ass is mine” and “Insert Here” on their bare buttocks with magic marker. SPECIAL PERMISSION has already been granted to Wedgie, who will be wearing Mrs. Robinson’s black thong if he forgets his mint dental floss at home. PERMISSION IS PENDING for Rusty Prick and Dances With Head (a.k.a. Albino Monkey Boy) who want to wrap glow sticks around their naked genitals for a period of no less than one hour to commemorate their virgin Flight. [Flight Management is reviewing their 10-page proposal and the accompanying illustrations, and will inform these two passengers of their final decision prior to blast off.];

get lost on trail without proper supervision. Passengers are ONLY PERMITTED to get lost when accompanied by Whiff, who had the Greyhound 1-800 number tattooed on his left testicle as a result of the trauma experienced during a previous Flight. [PLEASE NOTE that contrary to tabloid headlines, the Eerie Hash House Harriers and Elvis were in no way to blame for this unfortunate incident. Passengers are responsible for their own safety and security, and cannot hold the Eerie Hash House Harriers, their sheep, or any other immediate family members liable for in-Flight accidents.];

d)       engage in any commercial enterprise without a valid permit. ONLY the following vendors are authorized to whore their wares on Flight 300:

Scab Ass Rising [PERMIT ALLOWS: Sale of Eerie jackets with embroidered name. SUGGESTED USE: Jackets assist police in identifying Flight 300 passengers who have passed out in a gutter or fallen off Mount Washington.]

BallWrinkle [PERMIT ALLOWS: Sale of air fresheners. SUGGESTED USE: Air fresheners permit passengers to use Flight 300 bathroom without suffocating and to hang out with BallWrinkle without vomiting.]

Sir LicksALot and HO [PERMIT ALLOWS: Sale of Playhound magazine subscriptions. SUGGESTED USE: Playhound magazine provides passengers with an opportunity to see their fellow passengers naked without getting them drunk first.]

TuTu Fairy [PERMIT ALLOWS: Sale of Nittany Valley badges. SUGGESTED USE: Badge gives inebriated passengers official permission to sing “la la la” to hash songs whose words they can’t remember.]

use Flight 300 as an opportunity to join the “mile high club”. EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE: because Drag Queen will not be supplying the Flight with any porn, Menage-a-Blow and Cause for Blindness have been given permission to re-enact their favorite skin flick in the front seats of the bus. ALSO, to prepare for their impending marriage, Anal Blaster and Lubricunt are allowed to practice having conjugal relations whenever and wherever they please. This permission extends to the following locations: the bathroom, their own seats, the laps and seats of other passengers. All other passengers MUST RESTRICT their indecent behaviour to public venues such as school playgrounds, city streets and Scorchers.

break RULE #2. Passengers will be considered to be IN VIOLATION OF RULE #2 if they fall asleep with their mouth open while in transit. Any passengers found violating RULE #2 will be subject to the following penalty: An extremely small and completely useless object belonging to Dick Traci will be IMMEDIATELY inserted into the offending passenger’s open mouth. PLEASE DO NOT be deceived by this object’s seemingly harmless appearance. This object is really a cleverly disguised weapon that can discharge without much warning and with very little manipulation. Any passengers who doubt the severity of this fine are encouraged to speak with past offenders Dances With Head and Bottom Scrawler once they’ve finish washing their mouths out with bleach and have completed their intensive therapy sessions.

The Eerie Hash House Harriers and their affiliates hope you enjoy your ride and look forward to servicing you again in the very near future. On On