I left Erie on Sunday- having partied until dawn and with several fresh manuscripts in my hand. Below, I have summarized what you can expect to find on the shelves of your favorite bookstore in the next few months. They'll make great Christmas presents for your friends and loved ones!
On On
Lara (H2Ho) Croft
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MANUSCRIPT #1
The Complete Half-Mind's Guide to Getting Some Action
By Ball Wrinkle
It's not easy for the average harrier to get some action these days - what with
harriettes putting their shoes on, getting out of the kitchen and raising their
standards. However I have invented some sure-fire tricks that are guaranteed
to fool even the smartest bimbo!
The Santa Trick:
1) Put on a Santa suit.
2) Conveniently forget to wear pants.
3) Hope a harriette asks to sit on your lap.
4) Hope she's not wearing pants either.
DANGER: If the above fails, you should immediately start dancing around Choo
Choo's like a rabid fool to avoid being anally assaulted by the Erie locals
and Moon (it's harder for them to hit a moving target). Wear Tevas to
ensure that you can run away if the situation suddenly necessitates an escape.
And, if at all possible, FIND YOUR PANTS.
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MANUSCRIPT #2
The Complete Half-Mind's Guide to Marrying a Harrier
By Low Beams
I know what all of you single harriettes think! You think you can marry some
defective harrier and then mold him into the man you really want to spend the
rest of your life with. But I'm here to tell you that IT DOESN'T REALLY WORK
THAT WAY! They don't stop snoring, scratching or farting just because you screwed
a ring onto their finger. Luckily I have devised some devious tricks to rid
these Neanderthals of their irritating habits.
How to Get Rid of Your Husband's Ugly Clothes:
1) Call Big Stones.
2) Convince him to dress as your husband for Halloween.
3) Give Big Stones all of your husband's ugly clothes.
4) Convince Big Stones it was all his idea.
5) Play dumb.
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MANUSCRIPT #3
The Complete Half-Mind's Guide to Male Pregnancy
By Buck-A-Fuffalo
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be pregnant? I know I have!
We here's your chance to find out what you've been missing. Just follow these
simple steps:
1) Buy maternity clothing. If you have difficulty finding a muumuu that compliments
your skin tone, a Fred Flintstones costume makes a good substitute.
2) Don't wear any underwear. ('Cause you know hot bimbos always go commando!)
3) Lift up your costume and create a mangina by cleverly tucking your member
between your legs.
4) Stick out your stomach to simulate the belly of a woman with child.
5) Repeat steps 1 to 4 until TuTu Fairy tell you it's your turn to play
beer-pong again.
Warning: Male Pregnancy is not suitable for all viewing audiences. If Scab
Ass Rising starts screaming at you to stop, just ignore her hysterics1.
She's still unwilling to come to terms with the fact that Chemical Whore-Fare's
InterAm pregnancy was actually re-fried bean indigestion.
1 Fun Fact #1: Did you know that the word "hysteria" is derived from the Ancient
Greek word "hyster" (meaning "uterus")? Guess they knew all about PMS back then
too!!
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MANUSCRIPT #4
The Complete Half-Mind's Guide to Spying
By Chemical Whore-Fare
1) Disguise your appearance with coloured contact lenses, a black wig and a
vinyl cat-suit.
2) Test the "Deception" factor of your disguise by talking to Fart in
the women's bathroom. If she asks you where Chemical is, you're on the right
track.
3) Test the "Femme Nikita" factor of your disguise by talking with your boyfriend.
If he has trouble forming complete sentences without drooling, you're on the
right track. Ten bonus points if you see stars in his eyes.
4) Test the "Manipulation" factor of your disguise by ordering your boyfriend
around. If he agrees to wear a blue leotard in public, you're on the right track.
Fifty bonus points if you also convince him to wear a pink tutu and sparkly
tights.
5) Test the "Create a Distraction" factor of your disguise by bending over and
pretending to pick something up off the floor. If at least five harriers drop
their beers, you're on the right track. If at least one of these harriers also
passes out, then you're ready to be deployed out into the field.
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MANUSCRIPT #5
The Complete Half-Mind's Guide to Pissing Off Your Friends
By Poison Penis
1) Find out which harrier has a hot tub in his motel room.
2) Make sure this harrier really wants to get laid by his vinyl clad girlfriend.
3) Borrow the keys to his motel room.
4) Lose the keys to the motel room before you get a chance to use the hot tub.
5) Deny you ever had the keys.
Special Note: While Blue Fairies may look relatively harmless, they can quickly
become quite irate and dangerous when denied access to their hot tubs and hot
girlfriend. If a Blue Fairy begins skipping around in circles and daintily waving
his wand at you, he's probably pissed off. To protect yourself from his spells,
make sure you are dressed as the Riddler - your green suit will temporarily
ward off the evil hex. As Blue Fairies usually have friends in high places,
be sure to leave town before he has the chance to send out a Bat Signal.
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MANUSCRIPT #6
The Complete Half-Mind's Guide to Extreme Adventure Racing
By Ivy Licker
Sooner or later we all get bored with our daily routines. Life just isn't worth
living if you don't get a chance to kick death in the balls at least once a
week. Fortunately I've complied this book of Extreme Adventure Racing tips to
help put the zing back in your life.
The Bomb:
1) Find a motel room. (Hint: Don't pick your own.)
2) Walk into the bathroom.
3) Take a very stinky dump.
4) Run away.
Note: If Anal Blaster start running after you waving his bloody scalpel
and yelling "B*tch! Come back here, b*tch!" then congratulations! You just joined
the exciting world of extreme adventure racing. Don't stop running now!
To celebrate the inaugural running of "The Bomb", I have created a commemorative
haberdashery item. These white shorts will be available on a first-come, first-serve
basis and will feature an arrow on the ass pointing downwards with the words
"On-Out!" written above it. Please place your orders early to avoid disappointment!
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